Unschooling Teens Presentation by Cara Barlow and Marti Kennedy

Trust and Being Human by Heather Newman

                                                            Trust and Being Human

                                                     Heather Newman

                                    Maine Unschooling Mini Conference 2015

I am a human being and as such I am prone to error. As it happens, my husband is also human with the same propensity for making mistakes. And together we’ve made a few doozies.

We were not always an unschooling family.

David and I started off as very traditional parents not questioning much about the well-worn path we were expected to walk. Much like the Malvina Reynolds song Little Boxes “And the people in the houses all went to University, where they were put into boxes and all turned out the same.” We trusted what the vast majority was doing as correct instead of trusting ourselves because this path did not always feel right or good, but the why of that feeling eluded our understanding. We questioned a little bit because when it came time for our oldest to attend kindergarten we sent him to a private school convinced he would be bored in the local public school where we lived at the time. (He ended up bored in that expensive private institution anyway. So much for that plan.) And when Ben asked why he couldn’t just do school at home with me, I had two younger sons with developmental and medical challenges. I did not trust myself to be capable enough to “do a good job” and, sadly, I did not trust in my son who was speaking his truth.

I have since apologized for this. Ben told me that our mistakes are a part of his journey to who he is and since he is happy we should not wish that away from him. It is his life and his story to own, not ours and he is right. Who am I to regret a part of what makes him uniquely him. We learned from our mistakes to create a better life. . “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better” Maya Angelou.

A woman on an unschooling group once stated that unschoolers shouldn’t share their mistakes because it only encourages people learning about it to excuse their own poor decisions. I disagree. Human beings are not inspired to do better by stories of perfection, in fact the opposite tends to happen when we are given an unattainable image to live up to. We are inspired to do better by stories about human fallibility and the vision and ability to move beyond it.  We learn from these stories to create our own tools to succeed.

So, halfway through second grade Ben was miserable, the teachers wanted to drug him because he was acting out (from the mind numbing boredom) and we brought him home with his younger brothers leaving preschool to join him a year later. We began with a curriculum and school at home situation. What did not work in the big brick building did not work at home (surprise, surprise!) and we turned to unschooling as a way to repair our relationships with our boys and bring joy back into our family and learning environment. Our journey to trusting ourselves and our children has been a work in progress spanning the past decade.

And I want to say here that the word work does not indicate a burdensome, undesirable activity. Just as the industry of our hobbies and interests is undertaken with a light heart, our work towards being better humans can also be something that brings us joy and satifaction.

This journey included my husband and I trusting each other as we began exploring unschooling. It required a deeper level of trust and communication than what we needed for the typical parenting and schooling path. I came to unschooling first and because I was the one passionate about this new topic, I learned more about it at a faster rate than David did. I was also the one home all day every day witnessing the small changes in the house. It was longer before he could see and feel the shift to a better life, to accept it as the right thing for his children. I needed to trust in his path to understanding, even when I was frustrated and wanted him to just get it already! He needed to trust that I was not running our family off of a cliff into chaos and dysfunction.  It was not easy, but with time, patience, and lots of newly developed communication skills we made it.

The thing is, human beings are born wired for trust, and through that trust: connection, and engagement. Within one hour after birth, an infant will draw back their head to look at the person gazing at them. One of their first acts in their new world is to seek human connection. We need trust to build communities and families. We need it to survive. Stephen Covey (educator, author, and businessman) wrote: “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It is the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

Our society does not tend to encourage or nurture this trait. Over the years trust gets damaged in a million tiny ways. It happens when we are told to eat when we are not hungry, sleep when we are not tired, or sit still in when we want to run until our legs ache. We are dismissed as too sensitive, too rambunctious, too opinionated: statements that negate who we are.  Through these interactions we learn not to listen to our inner voices and become conditioned to comply. It is hard to question the status quo when you don’t have a solid foundation within yourself to work from.

Where trust is lacking, fear moves in. Fear is a fine tool for keeping us safe, one that has served us well as developing humans learning to survive here on Earth. However, making decisions from a place of fear results in a lack of clarity and effectiveness. It causes us to try to control and clamp down the people around us. Fear closes eyes and minds to opportunities. Neuroeconomist Gregory Berns (And in case you were wondering; a neuroeconomist is someone who uses brain scanning technology to decode the decision making systems of the mind.) He wrote: “Fear prompts retreat. It is the antipode to progress. Just when we need new ideas most, everyone is seized up in fear, trying to prevent losing what we have left.”

It is important to take a moment when those emotions and knee jerk reactions rise up. To breath and examine the situation at hand without negativity or unnecessary judgment. Hold on to the image of a healthy relationship with your child and the reasons you have chosen this path above all others available to you. Allow those positive thoughts to guide your actions. If possible, ask for a minute or two in order to process and reset your thinking. This works well in our home and prevents the need to backtrack or undo damage from hasty responses. When I forget to do this (because I am tired, hungry or overwhelmed as happens to humans), the difference is obvious. Emotions escalate and the original request or problem ends up lost in the ensuing reactions.

This does not mean masking a difficult situation by pretending everything is peachy, it’s simply a method to help keep from focusing only on the fear response. Pam Laricchia summed this up on an unschooling list several years ago: “The power of positive thinking is not that it helps me ignore negative reality, or that I can think good things into reality, but that I make better decisions moving forward from a positive mindset versus one of fear. Fear induces bad decisions, which spirals into more fear. I just have to consciously and systematically do the work to get there.”

Trust is one of the biggest gifts we offer our children in this existence. Trust in who they are and how they learn. It is a solid foundation on which they can build their life. Trust even when it’s scary because if you can move through that uncertainty the joy of watching them shine in their interests and themselves is immense. But we need to be able to trust ourselves in order to fully offer it to our children.

So how do we reclaim our inner voices and support our kids? We listen. And watch. And read. And think. Ask questions. And listen and watch some more. And continue to think about, question, and examine everything.

Remember who you were as a child? What did you love, how did you view and experience the world before someone instructed you in the “right” way to do and be.  Embrace what makes you YOU. Reframe what you were told in a favorable context.  (Use this for your children, too. When they are defined by voices either external or internally conditioned, for example, as stubborn, bossy, or as picky eaters. Discard those words and redefine the traits in a positive way.) I was described as a withdrawn bookworm with a negative attitude. It was presented as an undesirable, unfeminine (and my goodness let us be anything other than unfeminine) way to be. I am actually a healthy skeptic who thrives on deconstructing and examining ideas; who loves to delve deeply into stories that light up the imagination and spark a million images and sounds.  I am also an artist who needs to retreat into my mindspace to develop new creations. Sounds much better, right? One tears down, the other builds up. It is the shift into positive thinking and away from fear. It is moving back into trusting who we are.

Surround yourself with voices that support and encourage where you want to be. It can be challenging to walk a path that diverges so sharply from the accepted norm and the choir of people that understand that path can help bolster confidence during shaky or questioning moments. Find your community, the one that will help you grow and learn to become a better person and parent. There are people out there willing to share their time and years of experience, both online and in person. Take advantage of it! Be aware of conversations that trigger a defensive reaction or fear as you are listening and reading. This is a fantastic indicator of where work needs to be done.

And, yet, because there is such a wide array of options for this lifestyle we need to be careful of not allowing other’s journeys and stories to color how we see our own. It a bit of a balancing act, receiving inspiration while maintaining a clear view of our own family beauty. It is easy, and human, to look at what someone else is doing and feel a twinge of what? Regret for what you do not have? Envy? A lingering feeling of not doing it right?  Not doing enough? (And all of those reactions have their roots in fear.)

Illustrator Alice Ratterree describes her learning journey as follows: “Learn from the masters, but then respectfully ask them to leave your studio.” This statement speaks to me, both as an artist and an unschooling parent. The collective wisdom of my community uplifts me and encourages me to continue to grow and expand as a human, but I am the expert on my family. I can take the tools and ideas offered and adapt them to suit the unique gathering of people that comprises the Newman clan. Look to other families for support, but do not let it blind you to what is in your own home. We do not follow a prescribed, uniform path and while the underlying principles of peaceful parenting and unschooling remain constant, how they are used in each family is and should be completely individual.

For instance, I have friends who do incredible volunteer projects with their kids, using their time and talents to tangibly make the world a better place. I love their facebook posts about their work! I have other friends who have children participating in open mic nights, writing stories they share online, travelling extensively or competing in athletic tournaments. My guys aren’t interested in those sorts of things. They love to be home working on their own projects; playing games, following the rabbit trail of documentaries on Netflix, pulling apart ideas to examine and discuss every nuance. While one set of activities is more accessible to the general public’s understanding of learning and success, both are equally valid and both exemplify the principle of supporting children where they are. Some kids want to set the world on fire with their ideas and projects; others find contentment in a more private life. We need to trust the process and the person. 

Trust your children by watching and studying who they are and what they love. Let their passions become yours. And by this I don’t necessarily mean play hours upon hours of video games or join in a Larping group, or read genres of books that do not interest you, (of course, if you want to explore these new things and join them in their passions – go for it!), but you can also learn by listening to what they have to say about these subjects. See how their eyes light up and their voices ring with joy as they describe a bug they found, a favorite new book, a discovered YouTube series or the level recently beaten on a new game. Sit nearby while they explore and observe how they interact with their world. Let that energy feed your trust in the process.

Because learning is not linear or regimented. It’s wild and organic. It can be loud and emotionally charged. Skills may be acquired in massive leaps of development, or new abilities may develop slowly noticed only when looking back over several months.

There will be phases when it seems like there will never be enough hours in the day to contain all of the things your kids need and want to explore. And there will be slow times; when to unobservant eyes it looks like nothing is getting done. It is in these times that trust may falter and fear creeps in on stealthy feet whispering in you’re ear “You’re not doing enough!”  But the quiet spaces are where new information is assimilated into the existing framework of knowledge and experience. This is the time when connections are made between apparently disparate topics.  Profound, deep learning happens in those moments, hours, and days.

Once David and I began to question what we had been taught and to start letting go of our fear, we could start making the changes that would ultimately lead us to where we are now. It began slowly. Baby steps.

When teachers told us our son needed to be medicated in order to learn, we had learned enough (and had had our faith in the system damaged enough) to trust what we knew of Ben and see the untruth for what it was. He did not need to be medicated in order to learn, he did just fine pursuing his interests at home. They wanted him medicated so he would sit still and be quiet for 8 hours a day. When occupational, physical, and speech therapists told us Arthur (our 14 year old son) would never dress himself, feed himself, or communicate without hours of daily therapy, we looked at how unhappy he was in that therapy and trusted that as a thinking, curious human being he would learn those things by simply living life. And he has.

Those same therapists told us that our youngest son, Ethan, would not learn to respect other people’s boundaries or bodies unless he was forbidden from touching anyone. We looked and saw a child full of love and joy who would be crushed by such “behavior modification”. We’re still working on that one with Ethan, but it’s one of those instances where progress is measured over months (maybe years), not minutes.

None of the people making these recommendations were cruel, nor were they stupid. They simply believed in the system and in the one path the majority followed. A system that views children as unformed, something to be molded and shaped like clay or filled as a vessel would be. By tapping into a community of people who were living and talking about where we wanted to be, a community that encouraged looking at learning and children in an entirely different way, as complete human beings deserving of respect, we were able to build our trust muscles to the point where our vision of our kids is so solid, clear, and true that there is no more room for the naysayers.

And there are always naysayers, well intentioned or otherwise. It comes from family, friends, even strangers. They will ask about socialization and college, math and reading. They will accuse you of not living in the real world and existing in a utopia that is not sustainable outside of your home. We know the truth, though, don’t we? This is the real world, as real as it gets. In an email exchange with a friend last winter I wrote: “They tell me that what I have to say, what I think is not valid because I "don't live in the real world." It’s so dismissive. And the easy way out because it removes the option of considering another way of living and being. The irony of that statement is that I have never had an existence more real than the life I am living now. It takes my breath away with the vibrancy and depth of the emotions, realizations, and connections. The joy, sorrow, anger, laughter, quiet moments. To See and Be Seen! And just when I think it cannot get any richer, something will happen that brings me to my knees and new opportunities to grow and deepen are gifted to me. Gratitude exists in abundance in this world of mine.”

This is what trusting in myself, my husband, and my children has offered me.

So what does this trust look like in action? Just after I accepted Laurie’s invitation to speak here and decided to write about trust, I had a moment with my 12 year old. Ethan loves, LOVES fan fiction videos on YouTube. He is passionate about stories, both listening to and creating his own. This is actually how he spends the majority of his day, immersed in stories. If you know anything about fan fiction, you know it can be…of questionable taste. The video he was watching made me profoundly uncomfortable from the excessive (to me) swearing (and I am not averse to a good bit of colorful language), the misogyny in the storyline, and the violent anger the characters had towards one another. I could feel my stomach knotting up and my mouth opened to say something to him about it. Wavering trust allowing fear to sneak in!

But I closed my mouth and backed off, staying nearby to be available if he needed me and, honestly, to listen to what was going on in the video. After a while, he shut off his iPad and walked over.  He said, “I’m remembering Beary (our deceased dog).” He explained to me that he was still sad about losing Beary, but that he remembers him with his mind and his heart. He talked about what he loved about our dog and the process of saying goodbye and burying him. He mused about whether or not our other dog, Daisy, remembered and missed Beary, why he still felt sad and what was happening to Beary’s body buried under the trees. When I asked what made him think of all of those things, he answered, “The video I just watched.”

The video I almost asked him to turn off. Had I given in to my fears and not trusted what I know about who Ethan is, trusted that if he was watching then there was something he was getting out of it, we would not have had that conversation about his thoughts and curiosity.

It was an amazing conversation.

Another recent example was when Ben decided to apply for a job and was granted an interview at the somewhat local grocery store bakery. I became nervous about the questions they might ask about his education and whether or not he would be able to answer them in a conventional enough way for the interviewer to understand; as Ben tends to get a bit flustered when trying to explain unschooling to the uninitiated.  It has become so much a part of who he is and how he lives his life, it’s difficult for him to distill it into a simple answer. (And I obviously still need to do some work around letting go of the societal message of conformity. That defensiveness and fear indicating what I need to examine!)

I paused to breathe and reframe my thoughts. Instead of hitting Ben with a barrage of instructions; I asked if he had any questions or concerns about the interview process. I mentioned that they would probably ask about school type subjects because of his age. He wasn’t particularly worried and we moved on to other topics of conversation.

As it turned out, he was asked questions about school and as soon as the interviewer got a sense of Ben, she ditched those questions as unnecessary. And because he is not used to test taking where you simply pick the most likely answer in the event of not being sure, he called the manager into the office during his online interview exam to explain that he could not answer the particular moral question about firing an employee as it was presented because he did not have enough information to do so. To make a judgment without full understanding of the situation would be unfair. Finally, when he was given a hypothetical customer dilemma, he answered by describing almost exactly a customer service program already in place in the store. A program he had no previous knowledge of.

He got the job.

These are big examples of trust at work, but there are dozens of these moments every day. When your child wants to watch a movie or hear a book a million and fifty two times every day for days on end and you trust that there is something there that is feeding a need for them. When they are not interested in or ready to read on their own and you continue to happily read out loud to them or offer audiobooks instead of reaching for reading lessons. When you trust that what your child has to say or show you right now is important enough to stop what you are doing and give them your attention. When you see their interests, whatever they may be, as valid and worthy of all of the time and attention they wish to lavish on them.

Holding onto trust makes the moments when your kids shine that much brighter because it is not clouded by fear or stifled by the control that comes from fear.

The ability to trust is a constant work in progress because we continue to develop as human beings throughout our lives. Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, something will happen that shows how much farther you can travel in your interactions with your family. Our children change and new opportunities pop up for us to exercise our ability to trust. As we change and learn more about ourselves situations will arise that trigger previously hidden, unexamined fears highlighting where more growth can happen.  Real relationships, meaningful and rich relationships take time, effort and nurturing. The more you work on making those moments of falling into trust easier, the more you strengthen those relationships.

As writer Maria Popova stated, ”Life is a continual process of arrival into who we are.”

We, as parents and humans, need to Trust in that process.

2015 Registration is Open

Registration is open and the mini conference schedule is tentatively posted!

Though walk-in registration will be available, it would be SO helpful if you could send in your registration via mail.

If anyone is interested in being a vender or hosting a funshop, please get in touch via 207-975-2953 or alohabun@yahoo.com.

Laurie :)

2015 Mini Conference Date

This year's Maine Unschooling Mini Conference will be held on Saturday September 19, 2015. For those who love attending the Common Ground Fair, this is the Saturday before the Fair. You can save the date! If you will be needing accommodations, consider making arrangements now as fall is a busy time in this touristy area. I'll update the site/post information as it becomes available.

ALLive in Maine September 26th and 27th 2014!

Next year I will do the mini conference again. However, this year I'm so excited for ALLive in Maine! It will be held on September 26th and 27th 2014 at the Congregational Church in Camden. Sandra Dodd, her husband Keith, Robert Prieto (Colleen's husband) and I will be speaking.  Please see this page to find out what the symposium is all about and how it differs from an unschooling conference.

There will be a couple of other meetings in Maine and NH before the 26th. Check the calendar page on the ALLive in Maine site for those events. You might even consider making a week long vacation as the Common Ground Fair is exciting and will be held the prior weekend!

If you will need overnight accommodations, make your reservations asap as fall is a very busy season in the mid-coast area!

http://allinmaine.blogspot.com/

2013 Maine Unschooling Mini Conference Audios

Here are the 2013 mini-conference audios!  You can access them via Dropbox.

They are mp4's and may be listened to via itunes.

Thank you Dave Lovejoy!!  Enjoy!!  Laurie :)

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/5zxkh5irkisetqu/-ulz3o7oab



Here are the presentation descriptions from 2013 -

This is How We Shine:  Growing and Expanding 

~ a little bit of a culinary education disguised as a radical unschooling talk 
- Anne Ohman

As our children get older and bigger, their Visions for their lives grow and expand along with them.  It can sometimes be a challenge for radical unschoolers, who have been deeply respected, honored and celebrated for all of their lives, to fulfill their Visions in a world where this is not the case for most everyone else.  My always-unschooled son, Sam, a 19 1/2 year old aspiring chef, has given me permission to share some stories of his path from His Glorious Radically Unschooled Life to his integration into the culinary world "out there."  I'd love it if you joined me for this hour-long journey of growth and expansion and self-discovery and radical-unschooling-in-action… 

Unschooling Diversity - Would you like to be more welcoming?

- Erika Davis Pitre 

This talk is about how to be welcoming to families from a wide variety of backgrounds that exist in the unschooling community.  It is also a time for families of diverse backgrounds to come together and make connections with other families.  Come with your questions, concerns and solutions to opening up your family's unschooling experiences to folks from different backgrounds/experiences.  All are welcome.  

Ask a Teen Unschooler - Olivia Bradstreet

When the questions from grocery store strangers turn from "What grade are you in?" to "How are college searches going?" do our answers and attitudes change?  Is prom or graduation something to miss or manufacture for ourselves?  Are those things even important?  When playgroups have run their course, what resources (from community colleges to internet partnershops) are available to teens?  I, Olivia, sixteen years old and always unschooled, would love to talk about these topics.   



How to be Ridiculously Happy and Raise Happy Kids 

- Kathryn Baptista and Beth Toolan

Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology, has made extensive studies about being happy.  Come hear Kathryn Baptista and Beth Toolan share what they've learned about life, learning, happiness, parenting, and unschooling, complete with how to do it and why it's all scientific.  They'll bring handouts and fabulous prizes.  

Do What You Love - Nikki Sheilds 

This session is for teens - and adults - who wish to make a living doing what they most love to do.  We'll cover some ways to discover your passions and dreams, share ideas on creating a career using those talents and skills, and help you begin taking action toward your goals.  We'll explore the options for young adults: college, apprenticeships and internships, travel, volunteering, and other ideas.  We'll also share ideas for finding a mentor in your chosen field.  Resources include: The Teenage Liberation Handbook, College Without High School, What Color Is Your Parachute? for Teens, and Hacking Your Education.  


Making Space: The Creative, Joyful Home - Amy Bradstreet 

Unschoolers live intensively in their homes.  Learning how to organize, care for, and cooperate together in the home can be challenging.  How do we meet the needs for comfort, creativity, and purpose in the home while respecting the individual?  How do we make space for each other, and how do we use the space we have, so that it works better for us?  


Words Influence Thinking - Thinking Influences Words - Cara Barlow 

We as parents learn about, and how, to unschool largely through observation and spoken, written (and thought!) words. Considering words and how you and others use them is very helpful in "getting" unschooling and living a kind, mindful life.  

The words we use in written and spoken conversation can give us clues to our thinking, sometimes thinking that we're not even aware of ourselves until someone else points it out.  

Please join me in briefly considering the science behind this, what it really means when someone says, "Oh, it's just semantics," and finally some of the buzzwords that I'm sure you've come across as unschooling parents. I'll have a few to start off the conversation and then will be looking to you for input.

Free To Learn Book Chat - Pam Laricchia 

Learning about unschooling is challenging! In the process, we find ourselves reconsidering much of what we thought we knew about living and learning. Soon there is no start or end to learning in our days - living and learning become intimately entwined. It becomes a lifestyle. Looking back, I realized there were five paradigm-changing ideas in particular that helped me as I learned about unschooling and began viewing our lives through that lens.

But that challenge is also a large part of its fun! So bring your curiosity and your questions and together we'll dig into the ideas of real learning, following your child's interests, the importance of choices, instead of no, and living together.


Freedom: What It Means And Why It's Important - Kelly Halldorson 

Often people new to unschooling hear the word "freedom" and think it means allowing your children to "do whatever they want" which is something that makes unschooling a challenge. Kelly will discuss what true individual freedom means and how (when understood) can help your family's unschooling life flourish.

Unschooling Your Teens - Is It What You Expected? - Erika Davis Pitre 

This talk for all families who either have teens, will have teens soon and/or have the pleasure of looking back on their children's teenage years.  It will be a chance to ask questions, share insights, and find support among other families with unschooling teens.  Both parents and teens are welcomed and encouraged to attend.  

Pass The Bean Dip - Laurie Wolfrum

We care so deeply about how we parent and raise our children, and why we are drawn to the path of unschooling.  Sometimes others (from strangers, to acquaintances to close friends and family members) are curious or concerned about our children's education and our lifestyle choices.  When is it worthwhile to share details and explanations about your unschooling life, and when is it best to change the subject (pass the bean dip)?  What are some options to consider when strangers or those we love and care for share their doubts, concerns, criticisms or well-meaning advice?  

Unschooling Through Homesteading - Alex Bradstreet 

As a family, we have been on a journey of discovery about what we want, who we want to be when we grow up, and how we can achieve our life goals.  Everything changed for us a year ago when the family farm dream became a reality.  This past year has been full of challenges and changes.  I will discuss our urban homesteading history and our rural homesteading activities to date and how this relates to what one does with one's life "after unschooling."  

Many Thanks!!

The conference may be over, but the good feelings are lingering.

I am so grateful for so much help!

Thank you to everyone who brought snacks and drinks to share!

Thank you to Kathryn, Beth, Erika and Makana for painting many tiny white boxes for a funshop!

Thank you to Erika for helping me set up the church very late on Friday night!  And to Makana who put flowers and other items on the snack table that night too!

Thank you to all the presenters and funshop leaders for sharing their stories and themselves!  You are what makes the day engaging, informative and inspiring!

Thank you to Aimee and Kim for greeting everyone and handling the walk-in registration!

Thanks to Heather for helping with funshops and the snack table!

Thanks to Cara for helping with the play doh and legos funshops!

Thank you to Trevor who drove my kids when they needed to come to the conference or go home and who helped carry Li's computer!

Thank you to Brent for watching the registration table so I could hear part of a talk in the other room!

Thank you to Dave for taping the presentations again!

And thanks to Kathryn, Beth, Erika, Cara, Heather, the Bradstreets, Trevor and Makana for help in cleaning up!  I hope I didn't miss anyone!

And thank you to those who came so that we may all connect and open our hearts and minds by asking questions, sharing stories and ideas, and encouraging each other in a supportive environment. <3   

And thank you to my family as organizing a conference is a lot of work - good work, but a lot of work!